How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
