last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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