no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
