I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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