i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
