Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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