I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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