Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
