I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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