Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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