If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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