Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
