My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Still dying that you shit outside
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
