my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
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I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
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well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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