A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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