I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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