We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
