I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
