Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
