the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
birth control should be required to get into college
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
