i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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