i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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