So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
