whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
