U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
