You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
