You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
