I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
