You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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