Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Randomize
