She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
