My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
