The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
