Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
