Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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