both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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