you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I need water and some morals
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
