I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
