Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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