He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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