Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
