I accidentally burped into my bong.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
