I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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