You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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