Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
