I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
