True but thats because hes a fetus.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
