This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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