I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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