Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
True strength comes from lack of pants
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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