I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
