That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
