$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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