I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
