I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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