you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
