just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i drank out of a bidet.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
