I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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