I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
