We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
